Still here!

Yeah... I have no excuses for this absence...
What to say when all you have to say is that you didn't feel like writing. Sometimes writing can be beautifully accomplished, hatefully common, strangely not what you need.
That's just it! Not what needed?!
Don't know how to say it better, but I'll try. Promise!
I just know I'm gonna fail. I can feel it?!
Can you feel it!

How to deal...

A year later... a year older ... a year not wiser. How to deal?!
How to deal with friends that need space, that need to be away from us? How to deal with silences, with moments of loneliness? How to deal with your mistakes, with your unforgiven character? How to simply be yourself when your attitude is on the line? How, how, how...
Nobody ever told me what to do when you're not forgiven, when your mistakes become you, when they take over and don't let anybody see your true self. If you asked for forgiveness and didn't repeat them again, does that make it all ok? How to deal if thinks are hopeless?
What amazes me is that I do not know different ways to have friendship with other people, friendship when it exists, is simply what it is... no big mistery. But, how do we deal when someone tells us, our friendship is not that way, not the ours is? What do they mean by that? what?
I'm lost here... and I don't have anyone with answers.

How to deal...

Becoming WICCA

The truth is about to get me... facing a destiny that I didn't choose. Should I give in? Should I step back?
Pretending is no longer a option, it breathes in me, it walks along with me... what can I do!

Being able to see when everyone is blind, not a blessing, not a game. One day, I wished i was special, meaningful, but this is no answer to my sweet and innocent wish.
Blessing or Curse?!
I'm a wicca, loving nature as a being... as a living soul that guides my every move... as parent, that protects my falls... like a lover, that caresses my skin and makes me vibrate... loving it, needing it, breathing it!
I'm a wicca, but I'm afraid. Can I see the end, can I taste the bitter destiny of my friends, parents, loved ones? What to say, what to do???
Never been so lost and so aware of things...

Be carefull with what you wish for, you might get it...

Back from the silence!

I've came back... it's been a long and painful time! Learnt much, cried much, haven't laught enough!
Trying to get back from silence, trying to overcome my darkness, trying... succeding, sometimes!
Taking the control back!

It's been a while...

It's been a while since I've had a quiet moment alone. Nobody's home and a sweet sound of silence becomes your only friend. It's so good when this happens, you are more aware of your needs and thoughts... Nobody is home but you... Alone... Not Lonely!
My first need was to put this great feeling on paper (or close enough), but somehow this has already been done before. Many have written about silence, being alone with your thoughts, feeling good and not lonely... Many have put it in bigger and greater words than mine.
However, I felt the urge to do the same. It's hard you know, to put in words what goes inside your mind, the sensations that run inside your body, the sound of a silence that is so deafening that makes you want to put your head in a pillow and pretend your life is good.
And guess what?
We discover that our life is not bad at all...
It's amazing what silence can uncover...

Just Remember that Death is not end...

I refuse death. I hate talking about it, hate the word itself.
I don't want to die, never, ever... It creeps the hell out of me when people deal with death as a "natural part of life". What a bunch of crap!!!
Living, breathing and thinking are three of many things I don't ever want to loose, it's quite amazing doing all that. Even in my saddest days, when I'm so small that ants look like giants, I don't want to cease my existence. I don't wanna stop.
Its not because living is a blast, or because there are all sorts of things I haven't done yet, or because there are greater things we suppose to accomplish (like love, where the hell is it?)that we haven't yet.... I WANT TO LIVE because I love sleeping, watching bad TV, dancing like crazy stuck in my room - the simple act of eating a candy makes me want to be alive.
What I don't understand is how people say things like: "Well, if it's my time, there's nothing I can do", "I don't fear death, is a natural conclusion of my life". I don't get it!
Feel angry, deny the obvious, decline (respectfully) to die... It's is not a good thing, it is not what I deserve... I want more.

So, I respectfully decline, deny, abhor the idea of dying.
AND DON'T TRY TO TELL ME OTHERWISE... NO, NO, NO...